Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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