dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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