and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize