so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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