If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
