Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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