I am puke
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
