Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
