is your mom at the bar?
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
