as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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