I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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