You don't have asthma, your pregnant
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
