dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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