When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
