he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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