She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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