I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
