Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
