Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
