I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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