Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
