I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
