I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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