he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So here I am, sexting at work.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
