im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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