I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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