I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
