It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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