Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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