She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
