We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
