im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
