Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
