And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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