And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
