Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
