I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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