12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
