the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize