I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
