So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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