you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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