no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Randomize
