I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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