I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
