I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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