we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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