two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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