I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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