Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize