At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
