Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
