I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
