Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize