The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
