I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
