Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
