Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
