my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Text me some of your sweat
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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