North Korea, Best Korea!
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
